I realise I haven’t written anything story related for a while. So below is the update of the first story I ever wrote.
 

Here in front of me I see Paul. Paul is a troll, not an internet troll but a real life ugly troll. You know the type, big nose and ears, warts and pimples all over his face and breath that could melt metal. It had always struck me as odd that he was married to Lucy. They had 3 kids whose names I can never remember. It not important to the story but it’s good to know.

Lucy was a mean cook. Not in a good way, I mean mean as in a stingy measly way and would often only allow Paul half his daily recommended intake of 25,843 calories. Paul is not a fat troll he was rather sprily for his 361 years but he loved to eat. He would eat anything in his path, I once saw him eating an umbrella which was fully open, followed by a peanut butter sandwich and a tin of peas. I mean the whole tin, not just the peas.

His irregular diet would often cause flatulence. This farting power is something of a legend in his home town of Slough on the Stains. He was often pictured on the front of the local newspaper looking all embarrassed with another broken building behind him. He once took the outside wall of the prison down with a silent but violent (SBV) resulting in 3 prisoners escaping. Don’t worry they later died from a wind related illness.

Anyway today was a big day for Paul he was off to meet his friend Sammy. Sammy was a proper internet troll and the two were thinking of teaming up to conquer the interwebs. Sammy had already broken the record for posting stupid and offensive comments on YouTube and they planned to beat the current record on Facebook, set by Sarah Biggleski from Crapsville, North Carolina.

Sarah had posted over 24,863 comments of a questionable nature before she lost her battle with a deer. It was claimed the deer had not played by the rules by packing heat, but this was thrown out of court at a recent Hague trial. The deer, whose name is withheld for legal reasons, was represented at the trail by superstars of the WWF and WWE. In what commentators called a “surprise move”, the deer had a Panda and the Ultimate Warrior act as his counsel and defend his right to carry heat. It’s worth noting that neither had any law training.

The judge in the case, Lord Coffee of Cups, said in his summing up after the trial, that it was perfectly reasonable that the deer be allowed to carry heat as those North Carolina nights are often bitterly cold. He went on to mention that he once lived with a stapler in Sweden and feels the deer’s pain.

The deer has since gone on to appear on many US chats shows and magazines. His highlight was being voted number one wild animal in the March edition of Playboy narrowly beating Lindsey Lohan into number two. He also got a regular slot on The Tonight Show and feature on Saturday Night Live. Sadly for the deer, SNL was his last TV appearance. Hunting season started 2 days later and he was shot leaving The Dakota in an ironic twist of fate. He had never been to the North or South Dakota and was really in to the Rolling Stones. He was 14 years of age.

Head removed for legal reasons

The Rolling Stones heard of this tragedy and plan to play a benefit gig next year to help with costs towards the fitting of High Visibility jackets to all deer’s in the wild. Mick Jagger said that “Without deer’s we would have no rain, sun or magic mushrooms and we all know Keith loves those little fellas” Opponents say that fitting deer’s with hi-vis jackets will only make them easier to shoot at.

The High Vis idea was conceived by a man in a lab after years of trying to find the cure for stupidity; he eventually gave up and worked on his own catchphrase. This was back in the hay day of catchphrases, it’s a shame that they have since been over shadowed by the internet but it’s still nice to see them, to see them nice that some live on, even if they are mixed up. The lab rat still uses his catchphrase to this day “be bright, be seen”.

Now, I know you are not going to believe me but that’s reminded me of the names of Paul’s kids. “Be bright” was 5, “Be seen” was 3 and “Not in that” was 1. It’s a small world when you think about it. Which is why I don’t

Categories: Stories

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