There are people in this world who love coffee. People overlook the effect coffee has on the world. Think about it. When was the last time you were asked around for coffee?

So, when Dan was asked to visit a coffee plantation he was delighted. He loved the smell of coffee beans and always used them to scare off angry birds. Seriously – real angry birds! Those urban pigeons are mean things, with their missing leg and broken eyes.

An ex-employee of a well know coffee house discovered that pigeons have an irrational fear of coffee beans.. She was having a quick smoke and forgot she had a few beans in her pocket. So being that kinda girl, she threw a handful to a pigeon. It sniffed the beans, squawked and instantly died.

She took out her unbranded smartphone, that didn’t have an “I” in the title, and tweeted a picture of the poor beast lying on the floor. His lifeless body had collapsed next to an empty Tesco bag and a bunch of fag butts. This image became the 3rd most popular retweet ever, after the twitter joke fail and Hello World.

Of course the internet being what it is, the image was twisted and mutilated. One comical character called “5chow” removed all the fag butts from the picture and replaced them with Men’s bums. It was unclear what this was supposed to represent but analysts believe this was a sign the internet had not grown up.

This theory was proved correct when the image appeared on a popular video website with an auto tuned track of pigeon singing about life on the streets. The usual trolls were soon making comments which varied from the  unintelligent to the  overly clever.

The biggest thumbs down comment came from our old friend “Sammy”. He was eager to retain his record for being the most offensive person on the web. He knew that he had to work hard to beat all the other trolls out there. The world wide troll rankings were due any day. Sammy knew he was gonna have to post  some massively offensive comments to stand a chance of retaining the crown.

Finally, with with one swift homophobic remark he could rack up triple points.   Just as he was about to push send, the internet ate itsself whole. This later became known as the “Reichenbach Over Malicious Plot” which I am sure you simply know as ROMP.

Photo Source: Flickr under creative commons license.

Since that day the internet has never been the same with constant ROMP’s causing untold issues. The once big internet brands were now forced to print and hand deliver emails, smart phones became dumb and coffee shops became places to drink coffee in peace – not a place for laptop squatters.

Dan loved a good ROMP, this meant he could sit in the coffee shop with a warm cup of Joe and not listen to the tip tap of keyboards. It also meant he could think about his favourite beverage and his up coming visit.

Categories: Stories

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