There is a theory in the woods. That if you see a bear having a poo near a tree, the tree will remember that bear forever. It will also grow 4 branches to look like the bear. These branches are usually found near the top of the tree and tend to be the ones that break off in high winds.

Most creatures in the woods are well aware of this fact. They take great delight in knowing that bears don’t have a clue about this and they often tease them behind their backs. Well you never do it in front of a bear. They are really grizzly when it comes to sarcasm. They much prefer slapstick as a comedic form.

The worst offender of these hate crimes are squirrels. Not the red ones, they are true British stiff upper lip types. It’s the grey ones who are simply evil with it. I think it has something to do with their dominance of those poor red ones. I have seen the greys doing all manner of things to those poor reds. Some of which would make you shiver in fear or delight.

They are the only animal in the woods that have an alternative lifestyle. Well that’s if you ignore hedgehogs. Spiky not just for protection but also pleasure, but hedgehogs don’t give 2 monkeys about trees. They know trees are just tomorrow’s newspaper or coal and the real key to surviving in the woods is not to talk to the Elf’s.

I know what you are thinking? What the chuff are Elf’s doing in the woods. You’ll be surprised that there are Elf’s in all major woods in the UK and Northern Europe. They used to live in the woods of North and South America but they grew tired of the types of wood available. They like euro wood and have since all magically left there to take up home in the EU.

Apparently, according to a spokes-elf, “Euro wood is just the best wood to live in. We understand that it’s cold, wet and pretty expensive to live here. But no other tree gives us as much protection and sap, as those found in Europe. In fact we plan to start our own Eurovision Elf Singing Contest but without the political wrangling as a tribute to how good it is here.”

I was speaking to a woodpecker the other day about the way ants are the only other animal, besides humans to keep pets. I hate ants but the wood pecker was saying they are very useful when it comes to tress. All the holes she made in the tree were often playgrounds for ants and she has seen small ants paying on the swings and roundabouts.

She went on to add that she has pecked at wood from around the world and euro wood is the firmest with such a beautiful taste which slips down the gullet like velvet. I, personally, am no way saying that we have better wood over here, but it is hard and straight which is good wood to have.

I know in the skin flick business a woodsman is an asset to have on set. You need to know that this person is going to turn up and do as legend foretells. Dependable is the key just like a bear and defecating in the woods.

Categories: Stories

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