When I was a kid I used to write stories. Not your normal run of the mill stories but random collection of words and situations that took the protagonist on a surreal journey into the weird. I thought I would try it again:

Here in front of me I see Paul. Paul is a troll, not an internet troll but a real life ugly troll. You know the type, big nose and ears, warts and pimples all over his face and breath that could melt metal. It had always struck me as odd that he was married to Lucy. They had 3 kids whose names I can never remember. It not important to the story but it’s good to know.

Paul loved to eat. He would eat anything in his path, I once saw him eating an umbrella which was fully open, followed by a peanut butter sandwich and a tin of peas. I mean the whole tin, not just the peas.

His irregular diet would often cause flatulence. This farting power was something of a legend in his home town of Slough on the Stains. He was often seen on the front of the local newspaper looking all embarrassed that he’s broken another building or shop with his stink. He once took out the side of the prison with a silent but violent (SBV) resulting in 3 prisoners escaping. They later died from wind related illness.

Anyway today was a big day for Paul he was off to meet his friend Sammy. Sammy was a proper internet troll and the two were thinking of teaming up to conquer the interwebs. Sammy had already broken the record for posting stupid and offensive comments on YouTube and they planned to beat the current record on Facebook, set by Sarah Biggleski from Crapsville, North Carolina.

Sarah had posted over 24,863 comments of a questionable nature before she lost her battle with a deer. It was claimed the deer was not playing by the rules by packing heat, but this was thrown out of court at a recent Hague trial. The deer was represented at the trail by superstars of the WWF and WWE. In what commentators called a “surprise move”, a Panda and the Ultimate Warrior had come together to fight injustice. Neither had any law training.

The judge in the case, Lord Coffee of Cups, said in his summing up after the trial, that it was perfectly reasonable that the deer be allowed to carry heat as those North Carolina nights are often bitterly cold. He went on to mention that he once lived there with a stapler in Sweden and feels the deer’s pain.

The deer has since gone on to appear on many US chats shows with a regular spot on the tonight show and a recent star spot on Saturday Night Live. Sadly for the deer, it was his last TV appearance. Hunting season started 2 days later and he was shot leaving The Dakota in an ironic twist of fate. He had never been to the North or South Dakota and was really in to the Rolling Stones.

The Rolling Stones heard of this and plan to play a benefit gig next year to help with costs towards the fitting of High Visibility jackets to all deer’s in the wild. Mick Jagger said that “Without deer’s we would have no rain, sun or magic mushrooms and we all know Keith loves those little fellas”

The idea was conceived by a man in a lab after years of trying to find the cure for stupidity, he eventually gave up and worked on his own catchphrase. This was back in the hay day of catchphrases, which has since been over shadowed by the internet. But the lab rat still uses his catchphrase to this day “be bright, be seen”.

Now, I know you are not going to believe me but that’s reminded me of the names of Paul’s kids. “Be bright” was 5, “Be seen” was 3 and “Not in that” was 1. It’s a small world when you think about it. This is why I don’t

Categories: Stories


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